Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
