Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
