They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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