Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
What drink are we having for lunch?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
