i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
you traded sex for a burrito?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
