just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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