I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
