I hate all girls vehemently.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
