dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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