Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you didnt know i had herpes?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
