There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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