she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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