xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
