I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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