so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
