Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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