Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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