If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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