I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
