just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
This is the high leading the old right now
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
