going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
