I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
