just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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