Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Randomize
