Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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