I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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