Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
