Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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