I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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