Christians are straight up FREAKS
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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