he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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