I'm jealous of your bromance
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
