just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
