I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
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