This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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