don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.