What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
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