yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
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becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
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No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.