I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.