I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.