Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
