i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
we made out on top of his cat.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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