It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
