i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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