she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
What a dumb baby whore.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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