Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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