I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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