i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
