That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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