he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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