I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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