How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
