what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
