"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
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