Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
