yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
