how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
