I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
