its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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