I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
