I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
