I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
