Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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