i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
