When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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