the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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